


maybe

by thesilverwitch (orphan_account)



Category: Marvel
Genre: M/M, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-11-12
Updated: 2011-11-12
Packaged: 2017-10-25 23:53:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 707
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/276238
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/thesilverwitch
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sometimes I look at my life and I think ‘not enough angsty Tony’. And then angsty Tony happens because Tony Stark gives everyone lots and lots of feelings.</p>
            </blockquote>





	maybe

**Author's Note:**

> Taken from a 200 words drabble and converted into a 700 words angst-weird-thingy. Also I use the word ‘because’ a lot.

Tony doesn’t deserve forgiveness, he tells himself that over and over again because it’s the one real truth in his twisted life. He doesn’t deserve love or comfort because he’s a killer, his weapons have killed thousands of innocent people and they will kill thousands more.

And he did it, he created all the weapons and maybe he wasn't the one pulling the trigger, but he was the one selling them illegally, he was the one that turned his face away as his company made deals under the table. It doesn't matter that Tony didn’t look into their faces as they died because in the end it was all because of him.

So why does Steve keep insisting it wasn’t true? Why does he have to endlessly whisper into Tony’s ear that it wasn’t his fault when Tony knows it’s not true.

It started with just sex, with releasing the sexual tension between them both. It was rough and careless, neither of them looking the other in the face as Steve fucked Tony until his entire body was aching and his brain was metaphorically leaking out of his ears. Until Tony came in harsh cries and collapsed tiredly on the bed afterwards because  _holy fuck_ , Captain America just fucked him six ways into Sunday.

It was good, that very small period of time in their lives was good because it was just sex and 'just sex' was everything Tony would ever deserve. But then things changed and Tony doesn’t know why, or maybe he doesn’t want to admit why, but after an extremely long and incredibly shitty mission he was a mess, more so than he usually was and Steve wasn’t rough. He was caring, he was comforting and he touched Tony like Tony was about to break into a million thousand pieces.

He whispered reassuring things into Tony’s ears, things no one had ever told him before and it made Tony feel so fucking weird because that’s when things got too far, that’s when things shifted from just sex to love or whatever it was. And Tony wanted it, he wanted it so bad but he couldn’t have it because it was  _Steve_.

That was the worst part. Because Tony craved for those words and for Steve’s touch so much. It was a mix of his daddy issues, his need for being taken care of and the fact that his childhood idol, who was also the best guy Tony had ever met, was there for him.

Tony knew he didn’t deserve those words, didn’t deserve Steve’s warmth and love but god, he wanted it so much. So he didn’t push Steve way because he couldn’t, he wouldn’t and before he even knew it he was addicted to Steve.

Because Tony has an addictive personality, and he can never help getting addicted to something new and more dangerous than the thing that came before. There was alcohol, drugs, woman and now Steve. And Tony, he didn’t let go of his addictions, not ever.

Only when other people forced him away from everything, only when life said _enough was enough_  because life is a sick, twisted thing that doesn’t enjoy seeing Tony happy, even if Tony’s happy also means him almost dying of an overdose while some hooker runs away with all his cash.

Which means that Tony won’t let go of Steve until Steve lets go of him and Tony can’t even think about that because he knows it will happen. One day Steve will get tired of him and his whims, he’ll realize the amount of damage Tony has done to the world and he’ll walk away just like everyone else in Tony’s life did before.

It’s bound to happen, Tony is sure of it. Nothing good ever lasts.

Sometimes Tony really wished he didn’t know this so well though, so that maybe he could dream of a future where Steve never realizes who Tony really is. Maybe they just live in blissful happiness, locked together in Tony’s bedroom where nothing from the outside world can ever hurt them.

Maybe Steve really takes care of Tony just like he promised so many times during their broken nights together.

Maybe things will end okay this time.

Maybe.


End file.
